Mind Games
by Irene T447
Summary: On a mission to take down dirty politician Ganon, newlywed small business owners and part time hackers devise a plan to scam him of all he's worth. Things go awry when their pseudo-company is led by a mute sales representative and a nymphomaniac executive. Femmeslash. T for themes and language. Also, snarky first person narrative.
1. The Perfect Sales Rep

_I've always had a deep dislike for salespeople, and I think I take that out by trying to play mind games with them._

"Excuse me, miss. Do you mind if I take a look at your hands? Either one is fine! Yup! - Oh! Oh, no, is that dry skin? Let me guess, do you use any of our competitor brands? That makes sense. Come try a free sample of our moisture locking hand lotions, starting at 450 rupees a piece! We're 30 times more eco-friendly than our competitors! Satisfaction guaranteed!"

 _I know it's their job to try to sell their company's shit to me. But aside from outright lying about their company's services and playing up their accomplishments, it's the mere fact that they're a person trying to scam me, another person, and knowingly doing it._

"These HD flatscreens will change your life. Don't take my word for it, either! Check our website, we've got testimonies from over 30,000 of our customers. The mean rating we've received is 4.75 stars. We are well worth the doubled price of almost all of our competitors, because we know good value."

 _It reminds me of politicians._

 _By the way, I hate politicians._

"Do you have faith in me? Because I have faith in me. And I would trust no other brand than ours to meet your weight loss goals. Some people have even reported having more energy and feeling refreshed in the morning after just 3 days of taking our dietary supplement."

 _People who, in general, don't actually give a shit about you but are still willing to try to get you to do something for them by sweet talking and petty persuasion._

"Aren't you glad I stopped you? You would have never known about the harsh corrosive materials you've been using to clean your countertops. The unsightly rust just won't do, and any self-respecting woman like yourself should not suffer the humiliation of having a rusting out countertop! Purchase today, and you can enter our rewards program for even better deals!"

 _I say petty, because I can usually see right through their pretty white lies._

"We're the number one doctor recommended multivitamin for perimenopausal women!"

 _But I'll go with it, I'll pretend I'm hooked by their company's product. I'll respond with the usual questions of doubt, and pretend to have my suspicions dissolved by the practiced, smooth talking of a representative._

"You know, I would have reservations about purchasing large equipment like this too. But if you expect to meet regulations, you must think about the safety of the children first. Do you really want to have your students running around on a faulty playset? I didn't think so. These reinforced guardrails and platforms will keep your students safe, guaranteed."

 _I'll keep asking questions, swinging between, seemingly, wanting to buy the product, then asking another question about some obscure functionality._

"I think you should really consider us a little while more before you jump to conclusions you might regret. Also! You asked about the dovetailing? Yes, these table legs feature dovetailed corners, which isn't seen nowadays in this style. Functionally more stable; aesthetically more pleasing!"

 _But in the end, it's not the product I'm looking for, but the perfect salesperson._

"Sorry," I say, watching the petite Hylian's will, who for the past hour and a half has relentlessly tried to sell me a glorified coffee machine, break behind evergreen eyes. "I'm just not interested."

"Wait!" She calls after me. I'm already on my way towards the exit, cell in hand with disgruntled news to tell. "We talked for over an hour about this product! The least you could do is make a purchase!"


	2. The Phone Call

"Hey, babe. How's it going?" I say, taking a shortcut from town via hiking trail.

"Not poorly!" Zelda perkily announces, "How about you, Impa? How are you doing?"

"Meh." I tuck the phone under my chin.

"Only meh, huh?"

"I had my ear talked off!" I grumble, then go on to rant about all of the insane salespeople I was forced to endure.

"Aw. I'm sorry...if it makes you feel better, I think I found our guy!"

"Who, the executive? That's great news."

"Well, yes. I have someone for that too. I was talking about our sales representative. His name is Link."

"Funny name," I say, picking at a spruce tree. "So, what's so great about him? If you've found the guy, that's fantastic; since I'd sooner claw my eyes out than spend another day talking to sales representatives." I feel a chill run down my spine at the mere thought. "But it seems like you've found him...rather quick?"

"Right! See, I figured our problem was that we were looking for the wrong characteristics in a salesperson - the ones you hate, dear."

"Okay?"

"What makes a salesperson sellable is their personality, which usually follows the charismatic, I'm your friend kind of guy who talks the entire time, right?"

"That's why they're called sales representatives. Babe, you didn't run an advertisement for a psychotic axe murderer, did you?" I question, thinking about the shadiness of the first advertisement she had written up. That job description though...nightmare inducing!

"Naturally, all axe murderers would be psychotic. The axe is such a cumbersome instrument, if you really wanted to just kill someone you would use a gun," she reasons. "And no. No I did not...I know it may come as a surprise to you, but I do actually know what I'm doing." The last bit came out sourly, as if she were pouting.

"Glad to hear it - and I never doubted you, I just like to poke fun," I respond, endearingly. "So, Link?"

"He works for a warehouse store in Castletown, and despite having been there for about a year, he's made more sales than all the other employees combined over the last four years. The thing about Link is that Ganon's team of PR and counseling specialists won't be able to read him, because they're used to the cookie-cutter salesman that you've been dealing with all day."

"He sounds like a catch. How did you get him interested in something like this?" I say, hardly believing my ears.

"I'm glad you asked! Given that he's next to completely mute? He couldn't deny my offer!"

"Wait…..He's a fucking mute?!"


	3. Meet the Gang!

"I have complete faith in you guys!" Zelda concludes her customary pep talk by wishing the room of hackers well. "Tingle?"

"Yeah, I got it," The hefty man in a green onesie grunts. He smacks Kafei's shoulder, who looks up from his computer screen with a pompous sniff.

"Fine, Zelda," The dark haired Sheikah acknowledges, "Though if people actually start making lines of inquiry, they'll be able to tell this was fabricated unless we start making good public relations N-O-W."

"That's fine, it's why I hired Ghirahim," Zelda states, while everyone's eyes nearly roll out of their heads as the diva himself stands up at the sound of his own name.

"Don't worry. Ladies! Gentlemen!," The white haired wonder struts about, admiring himself in every reflective surface in the room, "I've been on the phone, _all day long,_ and I have a few fairly respectable people who can vouch for us...respectable, in the eyes of the public, that is."

"So, if anyone investigates _those_ pseudo-businesses in addition to ours, we all go under like a house of cards," Kafei grimly concludes. "Zelda, this is not sounding like the job security I had asked for."

"Guys, guys! Eyes on the prize!" My wife says, flushing. I wrap my arm around her waist and wait for her response. "We're about to do the impossible right now. Think about that for just a moment. No way in hell is it going to be a walk in the park! But you all signed on because you wanted to make real change, and you wanted it to happen now.

"Tingle," she gestures, and he looks up at her, "You served overseas as a technician, and when you came back, you returned to an apathetic country, and couldn't even get a job, let alone healthcare for your PTSD. It's politicians like Ganon who control the media, and downplay the real problems veterans like you struggle with every day. That's not quality of living! That's not in your best interest, and it certainly isn't in the best interest of those who still haven't come back yet!"

Tingle's mustache twitches as he sniffs, face flushing. Zelda continues, turning to Kafei.

"Kafei, you and your wife were separated, not because either of you had done anything wrong, but because Anju isn't a citizen of Hyrule. And now your only contact with her, and your son is by bi-weekly phonecalls. And even with two part time jobs, you can't send enough money to smuggle them over. You of all people understand that the hundreds of millions of families who have been cloven to pieces due to Ganon's legislation are suffering in ways no family should! "

Kafei sits back, head turned away, arms crossed. The words have struck home, and he's back onboard.

"And Ghirahim," my wife's voice softens. "You were thrown out of our own home, for no reason other than that you were different. When is enough enough? When do we get to see people like you on T.V. not being trivialized and made fun of? When do we get to see people who matter in the eyes of the public say, 'you're allowed to exist'? You made your way in this world the hard way; many others lost their lives simply because they came out at the wrong time, and in the presence of the wrong people."

Ghirahim, his bravado extinguished, sits down as tears leak from the corner of his eyes.

"This is our time to say, 'we matter', by taking down the big guys who think that, because they made the law, they are above the law."

The room is silent, though the three men solemnly nod, remembering their call to duty. I feel a swell in my chest, and have a # proudwife moment. Brains and badassery aside, I love my wife because she loves people.

Just as Zelda is about to elaborate on some other aspect of her scheme, the door thunders open, and in flows a dark woman with fiery hair and a temptatious grin. Without introduction, she slides up my body and breathes, "You smell like a Sheikah" up my neck.

"Get it off!" I croak, smacking away roving hands.

"This is Midna, our CEO."

Tingle whistles; Ghirahim snorts.

"Sorry I'm late," Midna says, sultrily. She flips her hair, and meanders around the room, taking in the electronics. "I take it this is where we're all going to be spending our time together." She straddles a seat and leans forwards, narrowing golden eyes, "Better get comfy!" I trace her gaze towards my wife's ass.

"No!" I fiercely shout. "No, no no no nononononono!"

"Impa," Zelda's eyes find mine with a pout, "She's perfect for the job."

"Perfect for getting into everyone's pants!" I shout, "And oh, come on! Everyone was thinking it!"

"Someone sounds sexually frustrated," Midna murmurs, and Kafei cracks a chuckle, which he poorly disguises as a cough.

"Alright, alright. Everyone, please settle down," Zelda puts her hands up, as if shushing a crowd of Kokiri. "Midna, in the future it would be lovely if you would phone ahead when you're going to be late. Aside from that, you will be a valuable asset to our company. Moving on." She grabs a remote and brings down a monitor from the ceiling. "I've contacted the HardRockers and the ProjectHousewives. Through them, we were connected to a sub-sect of the Zora mafia, who have aligned interests. I know it's a risk, but they want Ganon out of office just as much as we do."

The monitor flickers to life. The screen is divided into three horizontal rectangles. The two side rectangles feature a Goron and three Gerudo, respectively, the one in the middle is pure static.

"Hey guys!" One of the Gerudo coos.

"Tingle! Looking good!" Another says, approvingly, while Tingle gives her the double thumbs up.

"ProjectHousewives in for the report. We have you all connected over on this end," the third states, addressing Zelda, who nods, graciously. "Every top tier web browser has your company's logos and advertisements circulating. We've got you around entry number 13 for search engine optimization, since you're a not very well known company. We've been redacting some of our old sites' read only forums to include references to you in passing."

"Excellent work!" Zelda praises with a wink, "This helps us so much. I'll be sure to put you in charge of draining one of Ganon's largest bank accounts."

The leftmost screen yields to static as they hang up. The Goron on the right takes his turn.

"Um. Hi," he says, almost sheepishly in a deep, gravely voice, "I'm HardRocker number forty-three? Um. I'm the representative who's here to connect you to the Zora? I think." He smiles, and rubs the top of his head, "just a moment."

He disappears from the view of the monitor. What sound carries over from his end could only be described as a cat on rollerskates playing a bass drum. "Aha!" He yells, making everyone in the room jump. The monitor in the middle wakes up to a masked Zora in a black suit.

"Greetings," he says, in a computer-modulated voice, "This is an audio message. We are pleased to inform you that your company is now 54% publically owned in stock shares, with a value set to artificially increase by up to 230% within the next twelve days. We expect to have free access over Ganon's personal computer files, as well as a minimum 2 billion rupees in cash for our services."

The screen fades out dramatically before returning to static. The Goron reappears and bids us farewell in his awkward manner and leaves the videoconference as well.

Zelda turns off and stores the ceiling monitor, throwing on the lights. She closes her eyes, pressing fingers to her lips, hardly containing her excitement. "Guys! It's happening!"


	4. Nymphomaniac say what?

I'm working in the shop a couple weeks after the video conference at Kafei's, and Midna comes walking in right before closing time. No, not walking. Sashaying. Wearing another tight fitted, almost see through black dress. I make myself busy, restocking the shelves, and cleaning the merchandise. Just...trying to look busy, and not suspicious that she's after my wife or anything.

"Impa, are you just acting busy so you seem less suspicious of me being out to get your wife?" she asks abruptly, and my head whips up from behind the counter where I was sweeping with a tiny hand broom. "If it gives you any security, I'm out to get everyone I possibly can who I find mildly attractive."

"I'm glad you're comfortable with yourself," I say, backing away. She slowly widens a grin. "Oh, gods. I'm not next, am I?"

"It would appear so, given I've cleared the rest of your staff, sans that brooding Romeo."

"Even Link?" I say, skeptically, "I've never met him, but he sounds like he wouldn't come near you with a 100 foot pole."

"Oh, the poor boy nearly passed out when I approached him. I didn't dare go any farther - it made me feel like a pedophile."

"You're making some pretty interesting disclosures in a gun shop," I deadpan, "And no, I'm not interested in bedding you. I have a wife."

She rolls her eyes, standing up straight. "Relax. Bieve it or not, I'm not here for that. No, your wife wanted us to have a chat."

I cross my arms, giving her a once-over. For once she seems...professional.

"Alright," I say, "What do you want to talk about? Guns? I could go on all night. We're a family owned business with enough clients to keep us running until retirement."

"Fascinating," she snarks. "I'm the former CEO of an international, multi-billion cycling industry. I handled the foreign affairs until I got bored and found more exciting things to do with my time. I'm also acquaintances with Ganon and know that the horrible things you know about him are just the tip of the iceburg, and that the legal system is stacked to fail should anyone try to pursue him within the system."

I pause while the information overload washes over my brain like a wave. I raise my eyebrows, "Oh, wow."

"But that's not all. I also happen to know that Ganon has been expecting a revolution against him, and has taken appropriate measures to prevent his downfall."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that this little project of yours is going to go on for a long while. I need to make sure that you are absolutely onboard."

I narrow my eyes, "Zelda didn't send you."

"No, she didn't. I'm just informing you of what I know will inevitably happen. And Zelda is committed; she's handed me most of the responsibility for this operation since I have the expertise she doesn't, and the lawyers, for that matter, yet she's still willing to oversee the online break-in." She leans forwards onto the counter, staring me down, " So where does that leave you? Running leg errands will only progress us so far. And while _these_ ," she gestures to the rack of shotguns behind my head, "are pretty, they cannot do the same destruction that, say, Zelda's tools can."

I lean forwards to meet her stare, and get an awful noseful of her perfume. "Are you questioning my loyalty? I stand by Zelda. Period. What I do outside of the operation is purely domestic. I do most of the cooking, cleaning - those things do take some precedence when Zelda spends most nights in front of a computer screen."

"hmmmm…" she hums, amusement playing at her lips. Her eyes glide towards a bar above the gun rack with a list of the shop's certifications, including my own. I slam my eyelids shut in anticipation of what she's going to point out. Goddamnit is this woman infuriating... "Expert markswoman; honor recruit to the Hylian Guard, yet you turned them down?"

"Trap shooting and hunting to feed your family is one thing. That's how I was raised. Going in and killing a living human being under the banner of nationalism in something else entirely. I don't believe in blind nationalism. And I don't believe in killing people."

"Shame," she says, and by leaving it like that I'm forced to believe she means both. Her tongue slides out from a corner of her mouth and she licks her lips, raking my body down with her eyes. "I could have used you." And suddenly I'm shaking and she's smirking.

"Get out…" I whisper, unable to find my voice. "We're closed. And don't even think about meeting with Zelda when I'm not around."

She slides away from the counter with a careless shrug. "Or what, Sheikah? Are you going to shoot me?"


	5. House

"So, did you see what Link does in this one?" Zelda catches my eye in passing from our bedroom through the open doorway. She has her laptop sitting on sweats clad legs dangling over the edge of the bed; long, wavy blonde hair down and only slightly messy in the most adorable manner. "The promo was actually 3 free samples, but he would actually only give out one, and he would do it by leaving the stand and carrying the packets with him. Then, the next day, when they came back, he would try to give them another, but they would buy it. Either because the actually liked the product, or because they believe he's trying to help them."

"False compassion - that's his tactic?"I call from the kitchen, packing the food away and stacking it in the refrigerator. Despite having made enough lasagna for an army, I wasn't very hungry after just having had that conversation with Midna, and neither was Zelda.

"No...actual compassion. He literally loves everyone. That's why he can sell. He's genuine, and obviously can't say outrageous things." She folds away her laptop and sets it on her lap. "Impa, come join me. It's getting awfully late."

"Yeah, one second," I call, wiping the counters for the umpteenth time.

"Is something wrong?" She asks, timidly as I step into the doorway and remove my ponytail.

"I'm not comfortable with Midna," I state, changing into a pair of darknut themed pajamas. "Why didn't you tell me she used to be some big time CEO? And, how on earth did you get her to come onboard?"

"I told you she was qualified - I thought it was implicative." She folds her hands into a knot and looks down at them, "And, well, I may have counter-seduced her into working for me."

"What did you do?!" I gawk at her, and she shrugs.

"Nothing really! I just smiled, and complimented her a lot, and giggled at her not-so-subtle innuendos. And then I gave her a hug at the end. And, well, she's valuable to the operation. Nothing seems to motivate her but having sex." I make a squawking noise, and she gives me a _Now Really?_ look. " Certainly not money...though she did mention wanting to take a crack at at least one of Ganon's offshore bank accounts."

"See, that's another thing - it seems like all of Ganon's money is just going to be redistributed. How is it going to help the general public?" I bop into our newly tiled bathroom to brush my teeth while she speaks. Her voice carries well into the greatly lighted space.

"You mean aside from demonstrating to all career politicians that greed and false promises ultimately yield to uprising and revolution? Or how about taking someone who has no business being in power, out of it, so that someone more authentic and, hopefully, compassionate, can be put in it. I think everyone in Hyrule benefits from those two things. Bringing into power people who are actually going to make a positive difference, and keeping mongers of fear and hate out of it. In terms of the money itself? We can try to divide it between all parties involved, though ultimately, Midna will be the one in charge of those things."

I spit. Then wash the toothpaste from my mouth."And here we are, back to Midna again."

"Did she say something to you?"

I lean against the sink, thinking about what transpired in the shop today between Midna and I. Instead of anything in the realm of non-fiction coming out, I blurt, "I don't know...I just..don't want this other woman getting between us?"

Well, it was probably better than, 'I think Midna is a diagnosable wackjob who's in shadiness neck deep. And oh, by the way, she wants to screw you and have me kill someone for her.'

"Aww, Impa!" Zelda croons, "You know that I would never be unfaithful to you. Just as I know you wouldn't be unfaithful to me. Besides, Midna has plenty of other people she can entertain herself with. She'll stop flirting sooner than later."

"Well, I hope you're right," I murmur, turning off the light. I step into bed and slide my arms around her waist. She snuggles against me, nuzzling her face into my neck. I grin, happily.

Best part of the day…

* * *

"Are you sure there's nothing else that's bothering you?"

My eyes flutter open and I let out a hum. She sighs and pulls back to look me in the eyes. "Impa?"

"This whole Ganon thing is your baby. And it's something that we've both been heavily invested in, even before our marriage. And I'm more than happy to be a part of it, don't get me wrong. I just sometimes wish we could, you know," I cradle my arms in front of me, "have a physical baby?"

"Oh?" she says. Even in the dark, I can see her ocean blue eyes widening. "Um...I think that would be...something nice perhaps. I guess I've never really thought about it."

* * *

 **AN:** Exposition finished!

Last week, my sister and I had an argument that devolved into me yelling, "You can't get a life," and her response was, "You can't get a wife."

And because my life is politics right now, this outrageous little bombshell of a fanfiction was birthed.

See you next weekend for more!

Enjoying it? Want longer segments? Don't forget to leave some feedback!


	6. The Deal

"A member from ProjectHousewives secured a position as a mechanic for Ganon's building, where most of his operations run, which includes meetings with sales representatives with companies Ganon takes an interest in. Special thanks to Midna, who pulled consecutive all-nighters to push our company to the top of his list," Kafei announces, and pauses so that we can all offer a round of applause to the groggy looking Twili sitting cross legged in her seat beside Ghirahim. Mine are far from enthusiastic. Zelda's on the other hand are, much to my chagrin. Kafei continues, "Our Gerudo is a senior member, so doing a routine wiring check -A.K.A. giving us access - goes unquestioned. We have video and audio feed directly into Ganon's office, which we can use until Ganon's hired electricians re-wire the building next month."

Tingle double checks the connections leading up to the monitor on the ceiling. Nodding with a satisfied grunt, he rolls his chair back and motions for Kafei to turn on the monitor.

The screen awakens with a buzz, and onscreen pops a off-angle view of what is, presumably Ganon's oversized desk and mismatched comfy chair. The glare from the grand window overlooking a row of file cabinets casts a horrendous view from the security camera. Midna looks like she's about to comment, though she does what I would never expect of her and remains quiet.

"While Link pitches for us, we're going to use a wireless transmitter he left at the entrance to try to intercept the accounts his secretaries manages through a different banking system," Kafei informs Midna, who acknowledges him with a nod.

"And if he says yes to Link's offer," Midna speculates, " we'll have access to his offshore accounts, which is where we hit the goldmine."

Ghirahim taps a number into his phone and waits, cocking a hip to the side. "Hello, ladies? Are we clear for audio? Fabulous!" He terminates the call and beams at Zelda, "Our Housewife is clearing out some old bugs, but we should have sound by the time Link makes it up to Ganon's office."

Zelda frantically taps her fingers against the cheap table in the middle of the board room. Her eyes flick from the monitor, to Tingle fiddling with the audio. I wrap my arm around her shoulders so that she can lean into me. "Oh my gods!" she whispers, "I can't breathe, Impa!"

I haven't any idea what to say right now. My nerves are like jumping fish, and whenever I try to form words, something like, "What the fuck are we doing?" threatens to come out instead of anything remotely helpful.

"Hey there guys," A woman's voice breaks over the sound system. "This is Housewife number four. There are some really interesting programs written into the sound system, it's getting really difficult to bypass."

"Get it on now!" Tingle hollers, pointing frantically at the monitor.

Midna shreiks. Her voice is soon drowned out by Ghirahim's scream.

"Damndamndamndamndamndamndamn!" Kafei mutters under his breath, immediately syncing to the transmitter. While he taps away at the computer, Zelda's fingers are a vice on my arm.

"Ow," I accidentally murmur. She releases me.

"Sorry!" she says, running to sit in front of the monitor, where Link is prancing like a pony into the office behind Ganon.

Ganon's hulking form bulges in his business suit, which looks like it's about to rip as he drops into the comfy seat, offering one of the stiff leather ones across the expanse of desk to Link. Instead of sitting, the young blonde leans across the table and pats the top of Gannon's orange topped head.

"What the fuck are they doing?" Ghirahim blurts.

"Trying to concentrate over here!" Kafei grunts.

Midna peers at the screen, "It appears to be...origami."

"It's kirigami," I correct, "They're using his scissors."

The twili shrugs, asking "How often do you use _your scissors?_ " and I somehow manage to refrain from smacking her.

I direct my attention to Zelda, whose jaw is dropped. Even in the dim light I can see her face paling.

"OKAY, GUYS" The Gerudo on the audio system's voice ear-splittingly booms overhead, startling Tingle and making my ears want to bleed.

"The fuck!" Ghirhim screams beside Midna's head. Midna's face scrunches into a nightmare inducing snarl, and she claps her hands over her ears.

"SORRY! STILL, BUGGY!"

"Okay, this is too stressful for me. I'm shutting the audio off," Tingle mutters, crawling underneath a counter and fiddling with some wires.

"You will do no such thing!" Zelda snaps arm whipping out, and grasping the back of Tingle's onsie, pulling him back like a dog on a collar.

I retreat to the corner, chewing on my lip. Tingle curls into a ball on the floor while Kafei's tapping becomes more aggravated and frantic.

"What are they doing now? The chicken dance?" Kafei momentarily glances up from his code-filled screen to gawk at the monitor. " _Ho-ly shits..._ what the hell did I sign up for? This is madness! Absolute madness. We are all going to go to jail, and our families are going to starve!"

"Get back on that computer, crazy!" Ghirahim instructs Kafei, smacking him on the back of the head.

"You know what?" Kafei rises from his seat. "I am done with you, and your," the Sheikah mimes ballet poses at the white haired man, "shenanigans!"

Ghirahim rushes to Kafei's computer and clumsily sits down at the keyboard. "I have no idea what I'm doing!"he shouts, pecking at a random key.

"No!" Zelda snaps, and she rushes over, booting Ghirahim off the chair, "Let me do this! Go watch the monitor."

I haven't realized that I am literally pulling my hair out. I feel like running a mile and then dunking my head into a bucket of ice. I steal a look over at Midna to see what state she's in.

Midna sits, ramrod straight, staring daggers at the monitor. With her left hand she begins cracking her knuckles one by one with her thumb. I exchange a glance with her, and realize that she's just as frazzled as I am, and _oh my gods, what the fuck are we even doing?_

We watch Link and Ganon go through a series of yoga poses. Gannon is much clumsier than is Link, and far less flexible. Midna makes a lewd comment regarding how far the blonde's legs can stretch, but no one is paying attention.

At long last, the two sit down again. I feel a horrible sensation simmering in my stomach, like a fusion of nausea and terror, seeing Link's head bowed submissively while Ganon speaks. Zelda's fingers stop tapping at the keys, and she pulls away from the computer to stare remorsefully up at the monitor.

"Hey guys!" The Gerudo's voice crackles overhead, "We're all set to go, feeding audio in 3...2...1…!"

There is a collective flinch in the dark board room as the sound switches over with a click. I hold my breath, feeling my hands go clammy with anticipation.

"Thank you, Link. I will inform Midna myself, given your -erm - impediment, that I will have the pleasure of doing business with her."

Link exits the spacious office, and we watch Ganon reach for a black, old style telephone with a cord on his desk. We listen, almost disconnected from reality in disbelief, as he asks for a direct line to Midna.

Muffled haunting music on high quality speakers murmurs into our room. Midna removes her cell phone from her purse. She puts one finger up, signalling for us to shut up, and waits for the third ring to pick it up.

"Midna of New Hylian Cybersecurity and Data Protection speaking," she says in a low, sultry voice, the name of our made up company rolling off her tongue in beautiful flowing syllables.

"Mindy!" The monitor yells, and the Twili rolls her eyes and recrosses her legs. "Since when have you been in the cyber sphere? I could have used you a couple months ago!"

"Not long, considering I just got here. The old CEO was a twit, as usual. I take this to mean you're interested in our services," she says, cutting to the chase.

He leans back in comfy chair, playing with his tie. "Well after having a...well, not quite a conversation, more like a session with your _sui generis_ sales representative, I would be very interested in doing business with you."

"It's a deal then. I'll have a secretary send you all the necessary documents immediately. You'll be placed on our high priority list and be immediately placed number 1 on our queue for our help desk and customer service."

"How professional," he laughs, spinning around in his chair to take in the view from the window, "Unlike our last meeting."

I cringe, very disturbing pictures forming in my mind. By the looks on the faces of everyone else in the room, the same thought is circulating. Midna's eyes scratch the back of their sockets.

"I screw everyone, Ganon. Don't forget that."

He bellows, "Oh, don't I know it! You've got yourself a deal!"

* * *

 **AN:** I think it goes without saying that this is a crack!fic


	7. Zora Sitting in my Livingroom

Cold beer bottles clink, and confetti streamers explode into the air with a loud pop. Ghirahim makes to grab the champagne and lets it loose all over the floor, yielding a verbal thrashing from Kafei. Pizza boxes litter the floor, with plastic plates stacked up along the table and against the counters, leaving grease stains on any unprotected computers and clothing items.

Link sits, mounted up on stacked chairs with a paper crown Ghirahim made for him with the words, "Party Time!" in bubble lettering over the top. He's grinning, broadly, an alcohol buzz kicking in. Anytime anyone passes him, he gets a high five, a pat on the back, or a hug.

"I don't know how you did it, but you were great!" Tingle says, clapping him loudly on the back.

Link grunts, sheepishly tugging his hair. Zelda thanks him profusely.

Above on the ceiling monitor, the Housewives are also throwing a party and skyping in on the entertainment. Along the edges of the screen are pints of icecream and a couple bottles of wine, as well as movie-star glasses and streamers. Back and forth, Tingle and they shout raucously such that had Kafei not been buzzing with alcohol, it's likely he would have kicked the onsie-loving man out.

After having retrieved Ganon's banking information, Zelda's programs took over, and we watched as literally four billion rupees transferred from seven of Ganon's accounts to one of Midna's. That's enough money to make anyone giddy. Though the Twili hardly batted an eye, rather she just kind of sat there like she'd been served a sandwich, leading me to wonder just exactly how loaded she already was.

Midna then had the money wired from her account to the HardRockers as a neutral third party, and the Zora crime circle sent a trademarkedly eerie confirmation message that they had received their payment and were waiting for access to Ganon's computer. During Link's pitch, Zelda had used the transmitter to upload a copy of several of Ganon's computer hard drives to the PorjectHousewives' server, who are now responsible for offering the Zora access. In exchange, Zelda had Midna have promised them money from one of the offshore accounts of Midna's choosing.

Midna left, saying she needed to make sure her bank wouldn't flag her account under all of the ongoing transactions, and because she needed to rest.

Which felt like a breath of fresh air, because as long as Midna wasn't in the room, I felt like I could breathe a little and not have to hover over my wife like a raincloud. But just a little….

I'm sitting off to the side, watching the celebration of champions, feeling ever so slightly disconnected from everyone and all of any other instance, my gut reaction would be to say that stealing is wrong. Though here, it seems, at least partly justified. Maybe it was all of the work I've put into this project. Maybe it's seeing the passion of the love of my life come to fruition. A part of it probably is because, yes, I do believe that what we are doing is technically right.

But obviously, I'm not quite certain if this was the right way to go about it. And now I'm very worried.

I've always known the risk, and I've had long, long conversations with Zelda about the danger of this operation that lasted hours into the night. But that was when this was all a concept that I wasn't sure was even going to work.

Now, it's done. And there is literally no turning back.

Zelda sits down next to me, and I try to smile. "Nice job," I say, "I'm so proud of you." The words are sincere, but her eyes reflect an understanding of my pain.

Instead she wraps an arm around my torso and just holds me. I focus on her warmth, letting the unsightly surroundings fade away.

"I scheduled us both appointments at the gynecologist's office," Zelda whispers, "Just to see how we are, and which of us would be in better condition to possibly carry a baby. There are plenty of other things we'll need to do, like sit down and look at the finances and -"

Overwhelmed, I pull her close and kiss her. I don't even care if it's literally in front of everyone. Ghirahim starts clapping, and I think Kafei punches him - I don't really know, nor do I care at this point.

"It's a start," Zelda says once I finally let her breathe. "Because you're absolutely right. This," she waves to the now filthy board room, "can't be our entire lives." She leans forward and kisses me again, whispering, "I'm glad you're happy," against my lips.

This time when I smile, it is sincere.

"I'm going to make a grocery run before getting back. I want some real food," I say. "We can eat leftovers anytime. I want to celebrate. And let's be honest, pizza just isn't going to cut it for me."

"Okay," she says, letting me up, "I'm probably going to stay here for a few more hours until the boys leave, and help Kafei clean up. We've made a mess of his house."

"That's great. I'll have dinner ready for you when you get home."

* * *

Arms full of brown grocery bags, my mind is on fractured ruminations about banks and lawyers and baby blanket motiffs, and black suits and masked clad Zora sitting in our living room, and….

What the fuck?

I take a large gasp and stare at the three men, feeling my heartbeat surge all the way through my fingertips. They rise in unison, and the floor creaks beneath their polished black shoes.

"Fuck!"

These are no ordinary Zora, as one can imagine.

"Stay back!" I scream, dropping the groceriess. I suddenly wish I had a gun in my hands. Scare them off - something...

The one in the middle, slightly bulky and with the more ornate mask, pulls a handgun out of his suit and points it at my head.

"Where is Zelda?" he asks.


	8. Interlude: Rock vs Hard Place

Ghirahim had bitten his fingernails down to the bed. Disgusted with the state of his fingertips, he began tapping his fingers against his lips. But that did nothing but smear his lipstick. That was an even greater pet peeve of his.

He considered banging his head into the wall he was leaning against, but after years of recovering from self-harm, he figured he should not. His body was precious. It deserved respect.

Tingle rounded the corner, cradling a cappuccino. Ghirahim nearly pounced on the smaller man.

"Blimey, what's with you?" Tingle grasped at his heart, spilling his coffee. He wiped his onsie with the back of his hand with a pout. "I don't scare well!"

"You stopped for coffee? Are you kidding me?" Ghirahim flexed his hands, "I called half an hour ago! I said it was an emergency - and don't you dare give me that 'I work at my own pace' excuse you love to give me. Oh-no," he waggled his finger, sassily, but clearly miffed, "there is no time for that shit!"

Ghirahim knocked Tingle's coffee out of the smaller man's hands. Tingle looked down at the styrofoam cup, shocked. Then glanced up to the other man, squinting.

"Are you crying?"

Ghirahim threw his head back, "Well I'm clearly upset. And where did that little bitch Kafei go? I called him first, knowing he would take longer - and what do you know? I was right!"

"Ahem," Kafei had walked up from the opposite side of the sidewalk. "That 'little bitch' was talking to his son on the phone. Who, by the way, I haven't seen in seven years." He turned towards Tingle, "You look like a child, even in public. Are you shameless?"

Tingle's face turned beet red. Ghirahim rounded on Kafei.

"You shut your mouth. What's it matter, him wearing a onsie? If it makes him happy, let him. I don't need your negativity. _We_ don't need your negativity. Or your _judgement_. Because in this society we live in...this society of people like you, filling the world with shame, when you should just leave people be and let them be happy." Ghirahim leans forward and screams, "How people choose to express themselves is none of your goddamn business! Is it hurting you? No! So shut up!"

Kafei leaned back and crossed his arms. "I didn't come here to be reprimanded on my political correctness. I came here because it was an emergency, unless you were just crying wolf to bring attention to yourself."

"Are you even listening to yourself? You think I would just make this shit up?!" Ghirahim thrust his arm out towards the single story house across the way in need of a new paint job. "That's Zelda's house. Come on, I can't….You just have to see for yourselves. I just can't bear to speak of it!"

Kafei eyed the taller man, arms crossed. After what looked like a period of great internal struggling, he finally conceded. "Alright. Let's go."

They got the attention of Tingle, who had knelt on the sidewalk and covered his ears during Ghirahim's outburst.

The door was unlocked. Inside, food was strewn all over the floor, and one of the chairs in the living room had a broken leg and was leaning off to the side. Ghirahim gestured to the couch while Kafei and Tingle suspiciously entered and sat down.

"Ghirahim?"

The taller man had reached for the black remote and pointed it at the smart tv mounted against the wall beside sparse furnishings.

"Just watch this."

The image of Zelda, bound to a wooden chair in nothing but her underwear beside an unmistakably familiar desk elicited a collective gasp in the living room. Hair down, matted with sweat. A bright red gag she'd been chewing on for a long while. She screamed and thrashed as a bulky form placed a hand on her shoulder and sat on top of his wooden desk.

"Hello Impa," Ganon rumbled, glaring at the camera. "You and your wife took something from me. So I've taken the liberty of relieving you of something precious." he produced a handgun from a drawer in his desk. Ganon leveled the gun at Zelda's shoulder and fired a round. Zelda screamed through the red gag, tears spilling out of her eyes and an unforgivable quantity of blood rushing down her arm in thick rivulets.

"You have one week to return to me what's mine," he growls, grasping a sobbing Zelda by the hair, and pointing the gun at her temple, "or the next one goes right here."

End. Ghirahim felt the remote shake in his hand. The second time viewing almost felt worst than the first.

"...fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" Kafei lept from the couch and toe bashed a comfy chair with his toe.

Tingle had curled up on his end of the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest. "What do we do now?" He whimpered.

"Well we have to get her back," Kafei snapped, running his hands through his normally very well kept hair. "Where's Impa?"

Ghirahim spazzed. "You think THIS is bad? Take a look at this fuckery!" He flicked the smart remote and located another video on the device and played it.

The screen was dark, save for the sound of heavy panting. A spark; a flash of light. Screaming. A click, and a dim light covered the cement cell.

There was Impa, lying strapped to an iron table leaning into a tank filled with large blue stingers from the bottom of Lake Hylia. One jumped with a sharp splash, electricity jumping from the end of it's tail, eliciting another scream.

The camera turned towards a dim light, so as to show the silhouette of a Zora.

"Zelda, you've been a poor business partner," his computer modulated voice began, chillingly. "We thought you knew better than to try circumventing our payment. Your wife seems painfully oblivious, so let's make things clear:

"You have twenty-four hours as of this message to compensate us the two billion rupees promised, plus an additional three million for the inconvenience of making us wait. Failure to see us through on our end of the deal will result in your wife's death tomorrow at twenty-three hours and fifteen minutes."

The segment ended after acute spasms of light blast across the screen, followed by Impa's long, drawn out screaming. Once the segment ended, the tv yielded to the bright, abstract animations of the screen's natural backdrop.

Tingle let out a whimper before passing out and falling from the couch and rolling on the floor. Kafei turns to the side and vomits noisily into a nearby trashcan.

"And to make matters worse?" Ghirahim, whispers, kneeling, covering his face from Kafei's stench. " Word on the street says Midna just fled the country."


End file.
